I’ve been exploring chemistry, the “it” factor, the instant connection that draws us to some people but not to others. I’ve collected facts and research and come to some conclusions about what it is or isn’t, which I share in this post — Is there more to chemistry than sexual attraction?.
But here’s the thing. I’m still not sure I fully understand it, perhaps because it’s one of those things not easily delineated or understood by the left brain, a space I tend to spend a lot of time in. It’s not rational and therefore can’t be looked at from that perspective. It can’t be reduced to a formula or set of criteria.
I’m 60 and newly single and no more savvy at dating now than I was at 20, perhaps even less so. I’d like to think I’m evolved and wise and focused more on the full picture of a person rather than the presence or lack of chemistry, but I don’t know if I am or not. I wonder if all this writing about chemistry is simply a way to justify sexual attraction and schoolgirl infatuations.
I have noticed an interesting phenomenon though. When I felt chemistry with a person, even if it wasn’t mutual, it made me more appreciative of other people I’d met and enjoyed but didn’t have chemistry with. It was weird, suddenly they seemed more attractive.
I think it’s because when we feel chemistry, we’re focused on the connection and not on judgement and sizing the person up as a potential mate. The rational part of the brain takes a rest and we’re in more of a feeling than a thinking space.
For me, it seemed the sheer act of being in that space and feeling those feelings made it easier for me to turn off or at least turn down my overactive thinking brain and just enjoy people for who they are without thoughts of whether they were “the one.”
I don’t fully understand chemistry but I believe we are attracted to people who we match energetically. Every person emits a kind of energy that is a combination of their fears, hopes, dreams, perspectives, experiences, joie de vivre and god knows what else. If you aren’t happy with what you’re attracting or attracted to, you might want to take a look at yourself and think about what you’re putting out there.
I think each of us has a deep yearning in our souls to connect, to feel loved and appreciated and we are magnetically drawn to the person or persons we think can deliver that love. Unfortunately what often happens is we’re still living out old tapes that we learned in childhood and are subconsciously attracted to people like our parents in a never ending struggle to finally get the love and acceptance we never felt as a child. So just because you feel the connection, doesn’t mean it’s a healthy connection.
I also feel that most people want to grow and evolve and be better people and they will subconsciously seek out people who will help them grow. Again it may not always be positive, but it’s an experience or connection that moves us forward, makes us better.
At the end of the day, we get what we deserve, or we get what we think we deserve. The best way to attract the love you want is to be the love you seek to attract. When you feel good about yourself and have found happiness within yourself, it cannot help but eminate from you and attract other people who are in a similar pace and have a similar energy.
In this conversation between Elizabeth Gilbert and Oprah, Gilbert is looking at her life and how good things are going and asks “How did I win this life?” A friend responds with the answer. “You blossomed into the sort of person that attracted a man like that.”
Maybe the secret to finding more people with whom we have chemistry is to shift the focus from finding “the one” to finding ourselves and being the best person we can be. As Gloria Steinem said “Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.”